Reflections on Foster Care: "Do you think you will foster again?"

It's been a few months since chickadee left, and I am still trying to process all my thoughts about the last two years of being a foster mommy.

This is the big kahuna. It is another question that I feel like I have formulated a socially-acceptable two sentence answer that doesn't convey my true heart. Typically, I say:

" Right now, we are taking a break from foster care because we will likely be moving in the next couple of years, and we don't want to re-traumatize a foster child by making them change foster homes if we leave. But, we are open to it in the future."

Good,  huh? Totally gets me off the hook.

The truth is... even if I was 100 percent sure I was living in the same place for the next 50 years, we would not be fostering right now. I just don't want to say it for two reasons. First of all, it sounds selfish, and I want to save face. Second of all, I don't want to discourage other people from fostering.  One of the hopes I had for being a foster parent was to inspire other people to foster, as well. So far, I don't really think we have, and I feel like it is another I've failed to make a difference. Although, I did have an encouraging conversation where I realized that we contributed to inspiring a friend to work for a foster care agency, so it's fun to see how God worked in a way I never expected.

 But the big truth is... I am still working through how different I feel about Preston and Chickadee. I need to sort out if my feelings toward Preston are so different just because he is an infant who can't talk back and reject my love, or if it is simply that my feelings are because he is my biological child.

My hunch is that it is a little of both.  

Now that I've experienced the difference in feelings between a bio child and a foster child, I am even more amazed, floored, totally shocked my God's ability to love us like his own child. For instance, check this out paraphrase of Ephesians 1:4-6:

 Long before he laid down earth’s foundations, he had us in mind, had settled on us as the focus of his love, to be made whole and holy by his love. Long, long ago he decided to adopt us into his family through Jesus Christ. (What pleasure he took in planning this!) He wanted us to enter into the celebration of his lavish gift-giving by the hand of his beloved Son.


As I've struggled with guilt for not "feeling" the same way about Preston and chickadee, I've realized that only perfect love can truly accomplish this. A dear friend and mommy to foster, adopted and bio kiddos once told me that she feels like in some ways her adopted children actually receive greater love from her than her biological children because her adopted children were chosen by her (and her husband). And, she continually chooses to care for them and chooses to invest in them and chooses to love them despite some of their behavioral and emotional challenges.

Since I started writing this post, Sam and I agreed to provide respite for chickadee's older brother. It will just be a few days over Thanksgiving, but I find myself looking forward to it. I can't completely describe why  because I know it will be hard. It's inconvenient to add another person to holiday celebrations. It is stressful to engage with a child who you haven't seen in many months. It can be tiring and frustrating and...hard. But, it is also redemptive. I think the desire to be part of redeeming the dark and broken parts of this life is part of the gospel being written on the hearts of man. And so, while I wrestle with my own personal shortcomings as a parent, I still deeply desire to play a role in the redemptive story that is unfolding.