Forget Regret...

Clearing out the Clutter

2012-01-07T11:58:00.000-08:00

When we first moved into our house, I distinctly remember Sam and I marveling, "How are we going to fill up 1800 square feet worth of space? And a shed? And an attic?"

Two and half years, one giant dog, one foster daughter and soon(ish) to be born baby and we have MORE than filled up our space. One of my favorite things is to fill up the trunk and haul stuff off to goodwill or kid to kid. Or put something on Craigslist. Or even stack up trash on curb. I know it seems wasteful to throw things away, but I just figure that I am saving someone from cluttering up their place with my rejected riff-raff.

As I clear out the physical clutter from my life, I can't help but contemplate the spiritual and emotional clutter that build up in my heart. Small hurts in relationships that fester. Regrets that won't die. Frustrations with God and others that keeps tugging. Jealousy and judgmental attitudes that steal joy. Guilt that multiplies.

All of these burdens can weigh a heart doubt after awhile. It's time to lay them down. It's time to lay down the burdens of 2011 (and 2010, and 2009 and....) down at God's feet. Maybe the laying down needs to go with repentance or forgiveness. Maybe it will require hard conversations or monumental forgiveness, but they need to be dragged to the curb. Lay that burden down.

Personally, my biggest burdens from 2011 are a sense of failure in certain areas of my life. In trying to juggle being a good grad student, mother, wife, homemaker, daughter, friend, some things feel between the cracks. My grades suffered. Sometimes meals didn't always get made. Sam and chickadee were treated unfairly at times. My Bible went unread far too many mornings. Zeke missed many a walk.

As much as I would like to try to make resolutions to change all of these things; I know I can't move forward until I stop looking back. Lay that burden down.

The second burden that I am struggling with is a sense of frustration with God and life when it comes to our large medical bills last year. I won't go into the details, but it is hard to deal with the sense of injustice. It is hard to think about how we feel as if we did everything right and have tried so hard to live responsibly, and now we must face this large setback where no one seems willing to compromise. Sigh. I continue to ask God not just for solutions, but for thankfulness and peace a midst the still unresolved situation. Lay that burden down.

Do you have any burdens that you are ready to lay down? Or, sweet stories of when you have taken you burdens to the Lord in the past?

“Then Jesus said, ‘Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”’

Matthew 11:28

Here is a great blog post for mommas struggling with burdens of guilt or regrets.

Awkward Pregnancy Responses

2011-12-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

It's generally common knowledge that academics do not handle "real life" issues very well. If they can't put it in a statistical model, then they probably won't get it.

This is why it is awkward walking around my office building with a growing pregnant belly- lot's of weird conversations. Here are my favorite responses to my pregnancy disclosure:

1) "I guess it's ok to have one kid....just don't have any more."

2) "Wait, so do you mean YOU are actually having the baby? Like, you are PHYSICALLY pregnant?"

3) "Ok, ok, stop...." blushes and puts up hand before I can finish telling the "story."

Sigh. It's gonna be a long 17 more weeks...

P.S. Speaking of awkward, check out these hilarious awkward family Christmas photos.

How to embrace the chaos?

2011-11-19T17:06:00.000-08:00

Have you figured out the secret to dealing with chaos? If so, let me know. Chaos has intersected my life from every angle in recent weeks, and I find myself peaking around every corner for one more hit from it at any moment. Have you ever seen that bus clip from the beginning of Meet Joe Black? Check it:

I feel like Brad Pitt.

I was already feeling like life was moving fast around here; new job for Sam (on top of part-time work with his old job), a baby due date that somehow gets closer every day (funny how that works :)), and an accelerated plan to stay on track in grad school despite this pregnancy. But nothing could have prepared me to watch my young, healthy husband to go through lung surgery,see him experience tons of pain and a long recovery, and face a surprisingly large (and growing) mountain of medical bills.

There have been many blessings in the midst of the chaos, but I can't help but face the future with a bit of timidity these days. There have been blessings for sure, but "be anxious for nothing" and that whole bit about prayer and petition (with thanksgiving of course) to God is easier said than done.

Another bit of chaos that is unfolding in our family is that it appears as if our chickadee could be returning home with a biological parent in the Spring. Whereas a few months ago we were seriously talking about whether or not God was leading us to adoption, now we find ourselves facing a possible good-bye in just a few short months. Like I said, life has been hiding surprises behind every corner...

Happy Valley as they call it here, has been experiencing its own chaos. The chaos of a child abuse scandal that got high-ranking university officials arrested, legendary coach Joe Paterno fired, and turned our happy little college town into roadkill for the media buzzards. Everyone has something to say about the scandal, but here two of the best takes in my opinion:

Let's All Feel Superior (article by David Brooks)

A Deficiency of Love (talk by Tim Henderson)

All that to be said, I don't want to face life with a spirit of fear, and I really don't think anyone does. Prayer and truthful reminders (like good old Philippians 4) have been my solace so far. What about you?

Just. Be. Content.

2011-10-20T10:08:00.000-07:00

As much as I love blogs, social media, and constant interaction with people who may live continents away, it can be dangerous to my soul. Seeing the vast array of paths my friends take can make it difficult to be content with being just me. Where I'm at. Right now. Today.

Today I have a sick kid. I had to miss work. I'm spending my time catching up on housework. But for a second, as I was washing potatoes for our evening pot roast, I just let the water wash rush as I thought, "Right now just be content to have time to make a homemade dinner for your family. Be content with cleaning straight-from-the-farm-dirty potatoes because you know it will be yummier than walmart potatoes in the end. Be content that you can work while listening to music streaming from the magical device we call a computer. Be content with the slower pace and quiet of a fall afternoon at home."

In a world of infinite possibilities and mind-boggling luxuries, why is it so hard to BE CONTENT?

"Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment..."
(I Timothy 6:6)

And for a humorous take on the subject, check out this video:

What happened to our Debt Snowball?

2011-10-12T20:07:00.000-07:00

Aren't snowballs supposed to speed up as the roll down the mountain? It seems the debt snowball has come to a grinding halt in 2011. Here we are at the THREE year mark, and we are still hovering around 75% paid back.

What happened? A lot of the usual life stuff; flood in the bathroom, a flurry of car repairs, a collapsed lung...

But, we all know to prepare for that kind of stuff, right? I mean that's why we save and attempt to be wise with our money. The two BIG changes that happened at the Parks' household recently are a job change (Sam) and a pregnancy (tot currently housed by Amanda).

The job change brought with it the need to buy a second car. Feast your eyes on the lovely piece of machinery (19 mpg baby):

And, Baby Samanda has prompted us to save a bigger one of these:

Hopefully, Baby Samanda will not choose a dramatic entrance into this world. In which case, we plan on just using the extra emergency fund to pay off debt. So far, it looks like our health insurance does an excellent job of paying for labor and delivery, so we anticipate low out of pocket costs. HOWEVER, I've learned to never believe that something is covered until after they've paid the bill, so we shall see.

Anyways, that's the plan! Not very exciting. Just lot's of saving (we even started contributing to a retirement account at Sam's work because of the lure of the company match; how very responsible of us :))

I'm bummed that baring a windfall we won't meet our May 2012 goal, but I'm thankful that God blessed Sam with a new job and that we should be welcoming a little tot to the clan sometime next April.

What to do when your foster child starts asking about adoption...

2011-10-10T18:40:00.000-07:00

...if you thought I had the answer, you thought wrong.

"Mamma, are you guys gonna 'dopt me?"

Uhhhh, help! Who in the world is prepared for a question like that?!!

Our chickadee has been asking that question a lot lately. We aren't even sure what made her start thinking about the topic of adoption. We've never even said the word to her. Usually we just assure her that she will not have to wait much longer to find out what home her "forever home" will be, whether that is a biological parent home, an adoptive home, or our home.

Can you imagine being seven years old and worrying about anything other than swim lessons and spelling tests? I can't.

Today, she said to me, "Zekey-dog is going to be the adopted brother of the baby."

I thought about it for a second. "Well kiddo, Zeke will just be the brother of the baby. When Zeke got adopted into our family, it was forever."

She looked at me knowingly, "But some kids that get adopted get sent back."

Ohhhhh, man. NOTHING is secure to this child. I don't think she can fathom forever.

The only way I've thought of to relate to her convoluted conception of adoption is to think about how I have a hard time accepting that I'm forever secure in Christ. It's something I want to accept as true whole-heartedly, but I can't help but doubt when I am confronted of the ugliness of my sin.

I'm still not sure if I've explained adoption and her situation well to Chickadee, but I pray the Spirit makes up for my tongue-tied fumbling...anyone have tips on talking to little ones about families, foster care or adoption?

"Fall"ing for Pinterest

2011-10-07T05:45:00.000-07:00

I tried to resist. I really did. I don't have time for one more social networking site, right??!

But, I fell for it. Pinterest. Have you tried it? It's like a thousand and one of your favorite blogs and all the beauty and creativity that they hold ALL in one place!

I don't know about you, but I see all kinds of beauty on blogs. All over the internet, I find women (and men) infinitely more talented than me at photography, cooking, homemaking, remodeling, and all things artsy and lovely. I find tons of inspiration in their work, but often they get easily forgotten in the stampede of life.

And Fall is already flying by. It's been a stressful one for sure. So, I thought Pinterest could help me capture the inspiration for awhile.

I find immense satisfaction in the beauty of Fall; smells, sights, tastes...it's comforting and wild and inspiring all at once. So what better time to collect all that beauty onto one convenient online space??

Check it out...you may get hooked...

Life. In Grad School. Preggo. With a sick husband. And a crazy child.

2011-10-05T18:51:00.001-07:00

Source: myrevelment.com via Andreya on Pinterest

Natural Pregnancy Fail.

2011-09-18T12:32:00.000-07:00

For the last two weeks of pregnancy, I have been pounding nausea meds daily. There. I said it. Forget home births or attachment parenting, I didn't make it four seconds before I was begging for the glories of modern medicine (ok, so actually I made it to my 8-week appointment). I quickly realized I will probably not follow many of the trendy natural parenting ways and for awhile I was wondering if I should feel guilty about it.

But, you know what? I think this is one of the beautiful parts of living in the information age among an eclectic group of people. A lot of parenting isn't right or wrong, it is just preference. I really want to keep that in mind as we continue to make decisions about Chickadee and now this little nugget; Our goal should be to make wise spirit-led decisions and grow up kids who love Jesus and other people- all the rest is just details :). This isn't to say that I don't want to seek lot's of advice from our dear friends and even to be called out if we are off-base on stuff, but I just don't want to make child-raising more complicated or pressure-filled than it should be.

And don't worry friends, I am still feeling the primitive torture that is pregnancy (think wicked heartburn and hot flashes when it is 50 degrees). I even puked today despite the meds...will you judge me if I tell you it was a McD's hamburger??